Nothing to Lose But Your Inhibitions
It should not be necessary to point out the chaos, the turmoil human society — in particular, American society — has created for itself. Random acts of senseless violence, gratification by the acquisition of immaterial currency, rebellion as a marketing ply, the demeaning of the true individual, the institutionalization of conformity, religions based on self-hate and fear, the paving of the environment, the glorification of mediocrity, and — god — the music! It’s just damned noise!
It is against what I perceive as the rapid decline in basic human decency that I humbly put forth to you, gentle computer-user, a possible solution to the isolation and frustration currently being experienced by the various and sundry members of the human animal. We members of human society have created for ourselves a world based on unrequited love and lack of basic contact with members of our own species. Instead of touching and being touched in various manners, we continue to utilize more and more of our fragile environment to insulate ourselves behind walls of meaningless materialism and irrational spirituality. Therefore, in a means I hope will bridge the yawning gap between man and his fellow man (sexism not to be implied by antique usage) I put forth a series of essential modifications to society. I put forth that these changes must be implemented as soon as possible, as even a quick survey of our world and its inhabitants can reveal even to the most prejudiced the peril we are quickly sliding towards. Without fear of hyperbole, I can even dare to suggest that we are proceeding blindly not only towards the death of joy, but also the extinction of the human race as a living, breathing party animal.
The first of my proposals is one that could be easily grasped by even the commonest of men (and again, no sexism should be implied). As a species, we are frightened of ourselves as flesh and blood; we fear our own urges and bodies. This tension is what tears at us, that places our minds opposite our hormones and instincts. Therefore it is imperative that, as a species, we follow these secretions and drives — but as we have been so repressed by our own fears that if it were simply suggested, even strongly, I doubt that anyone would ever listen, let alone satisfy their own painful needs. Therefore, I put forth that we need to institutionalize — nay, require — that all and sundry members of humanity experience at least one orgasm per day, partner assisted, preferably, but masturbation would certainly be an option for those unable or unwilling to find assistance. The encouragement for doing one’s duty would be relaxation, bliss, a feeling of oneness with the universe and an hefty orgasm. In addition to a civic-minded populace, the regulation climax would also be policed by a well-trained force of sexually adept men and women (bisexuals all), who — equipped with various and sundry humming, vibrating, oscillating, throbbing, etc. devices — would be at the ready to assist even the most reluctant member of society to achieve their daily orgasm.
As much of society’s frustration and anger is caused by a lack of porn and experience with other interests and inclinations, it would also be essential that men and women have firsthand experience with as many different lifestyles as possible. Thus, I also propose that in addition to the required partnered orgasm, everyone would also be mandated to experience sex with a person of the same gender (and, of course, those who already prefer their own gender would be required to interact with the opposite sex. Yeah, and same to you, too). Those unable would be admitted to special classes and clinics where their homophobia (or heterophobia) would be explored and dealt with in a caring and supportive fashion.
During special fairs and festivals, every different orientation and inclination would be celebrated. Gay Days would be literally that, where kissing booths would guarantee your civic commitment. Days would also be set aside to commemorate transvestitism, where dressing up as the opposite sex would be heartily encouraged and playful stripping would await anyone stubborn enough, or just forgetful enough, to walk around in their usual outfit. Nudity would be the norm on some days, while on others it would be obligatory for some to be publicly paddled, caned, whipped, or pierced — and on opposite days to do the same to other members of this healthy society.
As sex becomes the focus of this new order, the orgasm would become the standard form of currency. The new money would be pink and be an easily digestible aphrodisiac for both sexes, easily exchangeable for a sexual interaction of your choosing, no questions asked. The difficulty with this new monetary system is in choosing whether the orgasm dollar would be based on a female or male standard — what with women’s ability to orgasm multiple times versus a man’s single powerful shot it makes a gender choice difficult. But perhaps it could be worked out to where larger denominations could be female, and pocket change male ….
As more and more people became used to this new system, I predict that more and more of our ludicrous beliefs and entertainments will vanish — but ho knows what might replace professional wrestling, rap music, football, Ally McBeal, NASCAR, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (thank god), or Catholicism? Will temples be raised to the penis, to the vagina, to the Divine Transvestite? Will a new Olympics be created with events such as the sperm shoot, the lubrication slide, the nipple lift, the asshole stuff, or the shot-put swallow? Will the vast wasteland of television instead be a pink and moist wonderland of technique, appreciation, education, and sexual entertainment? I don;t know, but I do know that if we continue down this frightful road of repression and fear the future won’t be pink and bright and sexy, but rather shriveled and hysterical at the supposed evil that lays between every man’s and women’s legs.
So, gentle reader, I appeal to you as an intelligent — but more importantly, sexual — being to take enact my modest proposals. After all, you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose but your inhibitions.
Filed under: Uncategorized | No Comments »